Can't think in the rain March 4, 1986

 


it's raining sort of and one of those days when I can hardly think and I want to write as much as I want to think these are Moody Days full of that same sour taste they used to get as a kid sitting protected on a porch as the rain pattern on the roof this and it's cold and I guess too much like a rainy Monday I keep thinking about Bob and all the other disappointments this year people suddenly getting the urge to move on poorly row and three families upstairs even Fran and is always the not exactly how I expected her to go she's still in Clifton working with her father and that almost employment record for her

I thought she would head for Texas or at least for points further west instead she seems to have located herself within blocks of her job living I believe with a girl named Sue a superficial soul that friend used to complain about on a semi regular basis recently she and Bob talked largely about me about those things that kept Fran and I from being friends friend turned it around a little and claimed that I was too intense to ever be her friend perhaps this is so I feel like holding her Christmas time when I saw her in the street I I felt I needed to touch her at least and attempted to touch her hand once and failed then again it might well be her too when we were together it was that she that showed the intensity that could not be withhold a touch addicted to me in the same way she later grew addicted to cocaine but then this is all my perspective and could easily be wrong time has proven me wrong about the November 83 decision and about other decisions as well sometimes I ache for friend for the mental framework that means more now than it did then her lack of materialistic tendencies thrills me now as I compare them with Sapphire or even my ex-wife that is two is perspective and belonging to correct any hinewood site maybe it's just the rain or the location again across from where Fran and I used to go to dinner or maybe it's that comfortable loneliness that in the end proves less comfortable or bearable than the first imagined relationships are struggle and I have seen many tumble apart in the last year too from police whirlwind affair last year this time to Julio's long terrible tumble with his girlfriend of 4 years or more I saw her the other day too at the Garfield photo mat Booth she asked about her old lover it goes round and round my own life in need of change too but of a sort I can't quite establish yet March 1st just passed it has been light years since I moved back into Passaic when Garrick and pulley and Lewis and Julie jet and Stella with living here all of them have gone jet die 2 months ago presenting us simple souls with a small consolation yesterday walking up to 6th Street I noticed an old door jamb and a side wall tiles with the store name before a vacant lot and I wondered how many memories people had of that place how they felt when they passed this and so only the law now well I suppose

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